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鉴于这些罐子里装的都是类固醇 Given these cans are full of steroids,
这让我很难相信你这体型是 I have a hard time buying your physique is simply a result
只吃菠菜健康生活吃出来的啊 of"clean living and spinach. "
法官 我也希望能有更多辩词 Your Honor, I wish I had more of a defense,
但他的证词里只写了 but his statement simply reads,
我强劲到底是因为我吃了菠菜 "I'm strong to the finich'cause I eats me spinach.
-你为什么这样子讲话 -类固醇的功效 - Why do you talk like that? - It's the 'roids.
缓刑六个月 还有1000美元罚款 Six months probation and $1, 000 fine.
下次练练腿吧 Maybe work in a leg day.
法官 这也太难熬了 Your Honor, this is rough.
我第一次在舰队周 It's the first time I've been in a relationship
还跟人谈看呢 during Fleet Week.
我的老天啊 Oh, my God.
我以为你和公爵说好了啊 你可以尽管看他们 I thought you and the duke agreed that you could look
只要你不问能不能一起上船就行 as long as you don't ask permission to come aboard.
但是他人在英国 But he's in England,
这些穿紧身裤显身材的英雄可是唾手可得啊 and all these tight- pants heroes are within pouncing distance.
噢 荷尔蒙气息太浓了 我要出去静静 Oh, the pheromones are too much. I got to take a walk.
-帮我看看买哪款皮包 -这款不错哦 - Which briefcase should I buy? - That one's cute.
是吗 好 那我买另一款 Oh, yeah? Good. I'll buy the other one.
你花大价钱就为了买一个皮包 You can spend that kind of money on a briefcase?
不如把钱给我吧 我给你现做一个 Give me the cash, and I'll make you one.
拘留室正好关着一头短吻鳄呢 There's an alligator in holding.
我需要这个新的皮包 I need a new briefcase
是用来装我接下来要赚的钱的 to hold all the money I'm gonna make.
我终于也能参加舰队周的秘密扑克局了 I finally got a seat in the secret Fleet Week poker game.
那扑克局限定海军参加啊 你怎么有名额的 That poker game is Navy only. How'd you get in?
和你不一样 我可在高层有朋友 Because, unlike you, I have friends in high places.
他肯定说的是上帝 I believe he's talking about God.
不不不 我说的就是你呢 No, no, no. I'm talking about you.
你给我弄到了扑克局的名额 You got me a seat at the poker game.
就因为你在海军服役过 because of your Navy experience.
我等不及要打牌了 I can't wait to play some cards.
牌 我们要打的是排球啊 Cards? We're playing volleyball.
等下 抱歉哈但是 Wait a minute. Sorry.
你说过你能在舰队周的扑克局给我搞到名额 You said you could get me a seat at the Fleet Week poker game
是因为你给光荣的海军服过役啊 because you served in the good old Navy.
不 我说的是我给光荣海军商店服务呢 No. I said I served for the good Old Navy store.
给他们的排球队打球 On their volleyball team.
就在帕拉莫斯购物中心里头 I was stationed at the Paramus Mall.
那你说什么光荣海军 Why would you phrase it as"the good old Navy"?
因为不光荣海军就在一楼啊 Because the bad Old Navy was on the first floor
就在斯巴罗旁边呢 by the Sbarro.
得了吧 丹 你这脑瓜里装的啥呢 Come on, Dan! Get your head out your ass!
所以你说你在香蕉共和国里打仗 So when you said that you had fought in a Banana Republic
是黑五啊 It was Black Friday.
那天可失去了不少人手 We lost a lot of good men that day.
法官 我得说点事 Judge, I- I'm going to say something
因为我急需被炒 because I need to get fired.
埃光莉·布伦特演的《欢乐满人间》更好看 Emily Blunt was a better Mary Poppins.
大胆 你就等着被炒吧 You are so fired!
到底怎么回事 What's going on?
下一位被告是贾思敏·詹宁斯 The next defendant is Jasmine Jennings.
她是我女儿学校家长教师协会的头儿 She's the head of the PTA at my daughter's school,
我不太想站在你旁边 and I'd rather not be standing next to the person
毕竟你可能会判她有罪 who might find her guilty.
你居然怕一位家长 You're scared of a school mom?
你都不怕那个给甜瓜刮胡子的家伙 You didn't bat an eye at that guy shaving a cantaloupe.
格伦和我 井水不犯河水 I don't bother Glenn. Glenn doesn't bother me.
贾思敏·詹宁斯她会碾压路上一切的障碍 Jasmine Jennings steamrolls anything in her path.
我不想被压平啊 艾比 And I don't want to be flat, Abby.
做个立体人对我来说很重要好吗 Being three- dimensional is a big part of who I am.
等不及要亲自见见她了 贾思敏·詹宁斯 登场吧 Can't wait to meet her. Jasmine Jennings, come on down!
大家好 你好 你好 Hello! Hello, hello.
我滴妈呀 Oh, my God!
这不是怀亚特·肖吗 Wyatt Shaw?
原来你还上晚班啊 I didn't know you worked nights!
怪不得你穿着睡衣来接送小孩 This is why you show up at drop- off in your jammies.
我还要出庭呢 等会儿再聊 I have court. We'll catch up later.
谢啦谢啦 Thank you, thank you!
顺便说下 布拉德利·库珀是我们学校的一个家长 FYI...Bradley Cooper is a dad at my school,
他还会代表我唱一首歌哦 and he will sing a song on my behalf.
被告人被指控 The defendant is charged
经营没有执照的食品摊 with operating an unlicensed food stand.
我想在给学校篮球队筹款 I was raising money for the school basketball team,
我就搞了一个小小的烘培义卖 so I set up an itty- bitty bake sale.
在麦迪逊广场花园的主要大厅搞 In the main concourse of Madison Square Garden
还是在尼克斯队比赛期间 during a Knicks game,
挡住了多个洗手间的入口 blocking the entrance to multiple restrooms.
用的是这个 with this.
计时投篮对决 Shot Clock Showdown? l
这辈子还从来没这么想征用一个东西过 Never wanted to commandeer something so bad in my life.
法官 我的委托人只是 Your Honor, my client was merely
想给孩子们筹款 trying to raise money for children.
谁不喜欢孩子们呢 Who doesn't love children?
你就不爱 You.
我也不爱 And me.
我要是不给篮球队筹钱 If I don't raise money for basketball,
有些小孩可能都进不了队呢 some kids might not make the team.
那些小孩就只能待在艺术社团了 和杰里米·M一起 Some kids might end up in art club...with Jeremy M.
M 能听出你肯定不想要有这个杰里米哈 M. Woof. I can tell that's not the Jeremy you want.
好了 我宣判有罪 AlI right. I'm gonna say guilty.
十小时的社区服务 Ten hours' community service.
我已经在做社区服务了 But I already do community service TONE
我的基金会为高危青少年提供隆鼻手术 My foundation provides nose jobs for at- risk youth.
懂了 看来不是所有捐款都去对地方了啊 Got it. Not all giving is good.
好了 All right.
我要休庭了 好去拿些硬币 I'm going to take a recess so I can go get some quarters.
我是说 去我的办公室 I mean. go to my judge's quarters.
别担心 我也被禁止进入麦迪逊广场花园了 Don't worry. I'm banned from MSG too.
显然 对能不能碰碧昂丝这事管的挺严的哈 Apparently, they got a lot of rules about touching Beyonce.
谢谢你给的椒盐饼 Well, thanks for the pretzel.
我也想留下来聊天 I'd love to stay and chat,
但你们得回应大海的呼唤 but you answer to the call of the sea.
我现在要回应芥末的呼唤了 And I answer to the call of the mustard.
从海军这里白嫖吃的啊 Getting free stuff from sailors, huh?
听着 我要攒钱买一间公寓 Look, I'm saving up to buy an apartment,
小钱也是钱 and every little bit helps.
-我也没引以为傲 -噢 这没什么好羞耻的 - I'm not proud of this. Oh, there's no shame in it.
像我们这样的就应该白嫖的嘛 People like us should never have to pay for anything.
像我们一样的 People like us?
别装了 奥利维亚 Drop the act, Olivia.
我们都是靓仔啊 We're both hotties.
你的问题在于格局太小了 Your problem is you're thinking small potatoes.
看我的 学好了 Watch and learn.
人家饿饿啦 I'm a wittle hungwy.
谢谢 宝贝儿 Thank you, honey.
扑克局取消了是吧 I guess the poker game's off.
戏剧书店的地下室不归我们了 We lost the basement of the drama bookstore.
林-曼努埃尔·米兰达在筹备一部新作品 Lin- Manuel Miranda's workshopping a new production.
这回是关于乔治·汉密尔顿的 This one's about George Hamilton.
他也没能当上总统 also never a president.
打扰一下 你们是在聊舰队周的扑克局吗 Excuse me. Are you talking about the Fleet Week poker game?
不能跟你透露啊 你就是法律的化身 We can't tell you. You're the law.
呃不不 我是法 师 Uh, n- no. I'm a law- yer.
我才不效忠于法律 I have no allegiance to the law.
你们要是没地方打扑克了 Oh, if you lost your poker room,
我不给你们找到地方是不会善罢甘休的 I will not rest until I find you a place to play.
我想要个小小的回报就是 能满足我一下 And all I ask in return is for you to help me fulfill
第一次打扑克这个人生梦想吗 my lifelong dream of playing cards for the first time.
那说好了哈 You got a deal.
只要你不赢了我们所有的钱就行 As long as you promise not to take all our money!
赢 不不 怎么会 TakeNo! Come on.
我搞到扑克局的名额了 I got an in on the poker game.
你得帮我开地下室的门 I need you to unlock the basement.
我才不会帮你赢走 I'm not gonna help you take money
-那一帮火辣海军的钱呢 -好吧好吧 from a bunch of hot servicemen. Fine, fine.
你要是不想为了我做的话 那 If you're not gonha do it for me, well
为了你男朋友做吧 那个公爵 do it for your boyfriend, the duke.
没什么比这更能向他表忠心了 There's no greater test of your commitment to him
我是说和一帮肌肉猛男一起被锁在闷热的地下室里 than being locked in a sweltering basement
他们还很会听命行事哦 with a bunch of muscle- bound men who are good at taking orders.
有没有叫博迪的 Is one of them named Bodhi?
他是不是有一双巧手 And does he have hands that look like they can fix stuff?
-他可有一米九五噢 -太高了 AlI six- foot- five of him. Too tall
那一米八七怎么样 AlI six- foot- two of him.
想想吧 博迪不重要 不是吗 But come on. Bodhi doesn't matter, right?
你爱的是公爵 你 真的爱吗 You love the duke. Or...do you?
能确定的唯一办法 Only way to really find out
就是让我在地下室开扑克局 is to let me host the poker game in the basement.
该死 菲尔丁 你说的太对了 Damn it, Fielding. You're right.
哦对了 地下室从不上锁 And by the way, the basement's never locked.
希望我昨天给贾思敏判罪 I hope my ruling against Jasmine yesterday
没有让你接送小孩尴尬吧 didn't make drop- off awkward.
那没有 丝滑极了 Nope. Smooth as silk.
我说的是材质 没说是坚果奶哈 The material, not the nut milk,
贾思敏觉得这名字对孩子不宜把它给禁了 which Jasmine banned because the name is too sexy for children.
她就是个小恶霸而已 She's just a basic bully.
让这种人意识到这点 他们就不会这么干了 Just got to put them in their place and they back right down.
嗯 Yeah.
你先这么想吧 Let's live in a world where that's true
还有两秒你就不会了 for the next two seconds.
-这是在搞什么 -游戏结束 What is all this? - Game over!
什么东西 W- What?
她在这里搞社区服务吗 She's doing her community service here?
怀亚特 你终于来啦 Wyatt! Thank goodness you're here.
柠檬酥饼正好不够了 We are low on lemon bars.
谢啦谢啦 Thank you, thank you.
她这是当着我的面不把我的裁决当回事儿啊 She's made a mockery of my ruling.
更糟的是 她居然用的是柠檬酥饼 And even worse, she's weaponized lemon bars.
先别气 她肯定也会给你找点事做的 Don't be mad. I'm sure she'll give you job soon.
在我的法庭里搞烘培义卖 Holding a bake sale in my courthouse keTp UBK
不算社区服务好吗 is not community service.
她应该去打扫高速什么的 She should be cleaning a highway,
也许还能遇到个骑摩托的家伙 让她能意识到 maybe even meeting a biker guy who makes her realize
即使他们来自两个不同的世界 爱却没有界限 that even though they're from different worlds, love ain't.
赶紧把你这故事写出来吧 Just write it already.
整个世界都想见证爱没有界限这个故事 The world needs to see"Love Ain't. "
我可没有时间 怀亚特 我得阻止她 I don't have time, Wyatt. I need to put a stop to this.
举双手同意 Couldn't agree more.
不过我确实批准她这么干了 I did authorize it.
-你干嘛同意她搞这个 -我可没同意啊 - Why would you say yes to this? - I didn't say yes.
她全摆出来了 然后说是给孩子们搞的 She just put it out there, then said it was for the kids
还跟我说谢啦谢啦 and thank you- thank you'ed me.
你不能让她就这么碾压你啊 怀亚特 You can't let her steamroll you, Wyatt.
你要替自己出头 You have to stand up for yourself.
准备大展身手吧 It's go timel
你要是不想听我的话 If you don't want to listen to me,
听听计时投篮对决说的吧 listen to Shot Clock Showdown.
行吧 Fine.
是时候大展身手一番了 I guess it's go time.
你猜怎么着 Yeah.
那些柠檬酥饼 About those bars.
我不想做了 I don't think I'm gonna make them.
他在热身 He's heating up!
-可你是甜心老爸啊 -我不干 - But you're the sugar daddy. Im not doing it.
反对 Rejection!
这可不像平常那个懒散的 穿着睡衣接送小孩的你了 This isn't laid- back, pajamas- in- the- drop- off- line Wyatt
确实不是 No it's not.
现在你看到的是正经的 穿着正装的我 This is all- business, hard- pants Wyatt!
有进步 Personal growth!
没有人也觉得最后一句很奇怪吗 Did that last one seem weird to anyone else?
那我想我只能找别人烤柠檬酥饼了 I guess I'll just find someone else to make lemon bars.
谢啦 Thank you.
我 干了什么 What...have I done?
就像警察对逃避兵役的嬉皮士常说的 As the cop said to the draft- dodging hippie,
我要拿走大麻了（全部拿下） "I'm taking the pot! "
靠 这里比美人鱼的上半身还火热啊 Damn. It's hotter than the top half of a mermaid in here.
有没有人渴了 我这里有普通柠檬汽水还有酒精版 Who's thirsty? I've got regular lemonade and hard.
肉体 body.
冷静点 宝贝儿 你可以做了他 到的 Calm down, girls. You can do him...it!
我没现金了 可以赌上我死去的老爸的手表不 I'm out of cash. Can I bet my dead dad's watch?
我们都朋友了 有什么不行的 We're all friends here. I don't see why...
你没把这玩意和他埋一起吧 you didn't bury this with him.
-丹 -干啥 Dan. What?
先下注吧 我马上回来 Uh, ante up. I'll be right back.
-干啥干啥 -搞什么东西 丹 What? What? - What the hell, Dan?
你赢了他们所有的钱 You're taking all their money.
这比你把弗洛贝特锁在停尸间还刷新下限 This is lower than when you locked Flobert in the morgue.
得了吧 那是恶作剧大战的一部分 Oh, please. That was part of a prank war.
我是他的克鲁尼 I'm his Clooney.
这可不仅仅是钱这么简单 And this is about more than money.
这是我能打入纽约隐藏扑克圈的路啊 This is my way into the secret New York poker circuit.
这些地方有高额赌局 比如说格雷西大厦 You got high- stakes games at Gracie Mansion,
还有洋基俱乐部 the Yankee clubhouse
乔·贝哈在乌比更衣室里开的局 Joy Behar's game in Whoopi's dressing room.
啥 不好意思哈 有他的腹肌看我很难集中听啊 Huh? ! Wha- - Sorry. I...It's hard to hear over his abs.
你得把钱还给他们 You got to give these guys back their money.
好的 很好 我会把钱还给他们的 - AII right. Fine. I'll give them back their money.
好了 伙计们 这里 看 AlI right, guys. Here. Look.
纹身最多的得一百美元 A hundred dollars for whoever has the most tattoos.
现在 听我说 我相信你们 Now, listen. I would take your word for it.
但是我这位朋友 必须给她看 But my friend here...has to see it.
为什么纹身总是在最性感的地方 - Why are they always in the sexiest places?
我真的忍不了 I can't.
如果你想成为一个职业揩油水的 - If you're gonna be a professional mooch,
你需要掌握的不仅仅是调情 you'll have to master more than just flirting.
还要学会说服 There's also persuasion.
PUA Guilt.
有些人可以瞬间被催眠 Some people can be instantly hypnotized.
睡吧 Sleep!
好吧 你不是有些人 Okay. You're not one of them.
看 Look.
你模仿人体模特来获得免费衣服的主意 Your idea to get free clothes by impersonating a mannequin
太棒了 is great.
但这只是小菜 硬菜在哪里 But it's small potatoes. Where are the big potatoes?
要花很多年才能吃到硬菜的 - It takes years to work up to the big potatoes.
但我现在就需要一套新公寓 - But I need a new apartment now,
却没有人愿意资助我一点首付 and no one will give me a wittle down payment.
我知道怎么凑首付 I've got your down payment right here.
我认识一个人 他从一个回形针开始 I knew a man who started with a paper clip
通过交换获得了一栋房子 and traded his way up to a house.
那个人的名字叫莫里·弗洛贝特 And that man's name was Murray Flobert.
那不是我 这只是巧合 It wasn't me. It's just a wild coincidence.
这最好能成 This better work,
因为我开始觉得自己是那种 because I'm beginning to feel like a woman
本来有椒盐脆饼 最后只剩个回形针的那个女人 who started with a pretzel and ended up with a paper clip.
嘿 硬汉先生 Hey, Mr. Hard Pants.
从来没有人这么跟我说话 我不喜欢这样 No one's ever talked to me that way, and I didn't like it.
我很喜欢 I oved it.
-你喜欢吗 -让我告诉你我有多喜欢 - You did? - Let me show you how much.
嘿 我找到个硬币 用来 我的妈 计时投篮对决 - Hey, I got quarters for the...ho- o- ly Shot Clock Showdown.
球进啦 He shoots he scores!
弗洛贝特 快看 Flobert! Look.
-我换了辆小车 -哦 I traded up to a scooter. Ohl
嘿 Heyl-
回形针 一片披萨 空气炸锅 Paper clip to slice of pizza to air fryer
然后回到回形针 我用回形针撬了证物室的锁 and then back to paper clip, which I used to pick the lock
在证物室里我发现了这个 on the evidence room, where I found this.
我真为你骄傲 - I'm proud of you!
但看看我的回形针变成了什么 But look what my paper clip turned into.
嘿 H- H- Hey!
所以你刚刚说的硬菜（大土豆） So when you said big potatoes,
是指真正的土豆 you meant actual literal potatoes.
我终于时来运转 - My ship's finally come in.
现在的诀窍是别让国税局发现 The trick now is making sure the IRS doesn't find out.
你知道吗 当我说勇敢地面对她的时候 - You know, when I said stand up to her,
我就知道你会当面和她对峙 I knew you'd get in her face.
我只是不知道你会直接亲上去 I just didn't know you'd get inher face.
这太糟糕了 This is bad.
我本来想摆脱这个女人 I was trying to free myself from this woman,
现在我陷得更深了 and now I'm in even deeper.
只是一个吻而已 It was one kiss.
我就是人类版品客薯片 I'm the Pringles of people.
一旦开吃 就停不下来 Once you pop, you just don't stop.
这是给你的 This is for you.
这是唯一允许我经手的包裹 It's the only package I'm allowed to handle.
亚马逊会员 是什么东西 - Amazon Prime? What'd I get?
谁给我寄了条领带 Who sent me a tie?
不用谢不用谢 - You're welcome, you're welcome.
这来得也太快了 That came fast.
所以 我一直在想 So, I've been thinking.
你现在是条纹男了 You're a stripes guy now.
在你即将到来的面试中 这是一个很有力量的造型 It's a good power look for your upcoming interviews.
-呃 我的什么 -你新工作的面试 傻瓜 - Uh, mywhat? - For your new job, silly.
我该怎么介绍你呢 How am I supposed to introduce you?
这是我的爱人 怀亚特 "This is my lover, Wyatt.
他和一群废柴一起在垃圾场工作 He works with a bunch of losers at a dump. "
我不管你怎么说我们 - I don't care for your choice of words,
但那外套酷炫炸了 but that is one dynamite blazer.
哦 我刚注意到安珀没点赞我的短信 Oh. I just noticed Amber didn't heart my text.
看我怎么收拾她 马上回来 I have to destroy her. BRB.
我觉得你好像不该吻她 - Starting to think you shouldn't have kissed her.
告诉她那只是个错误 女人喜欢听这话 Just tell her it was a mistake. Women love that.
如果我那样做了 我下半辈子 - If I do that, I'll be chaperoning dances
就得陪着孩子跳舞了 for the rest of my life.
我不能在70岁的时候还要学八年级的俚语 I can't be learning eighth- grade slang when I'm 70.
不 我会坚持到我的孩子们上大学 No. I'll stick it out till my kids are in college,
这样我就不用知道未来版“可疑”会变成什么词儿了 and I'll never have to know what the future version of"sus"is.
但我打赌应该是“踩雷” But I bet it's probably"florg. "
那么 我在考虑你们的下一个阶段 - So, I'm thinking for your next phase,
我们做金融或国际金融 we do finance or international finance.
金融啊 Finance?
我以为当律师是你真正的爱好 I thought being a lawyer was a true passion of yours.
但我又懂什么呢 But what do I know?
我对你的嘴做过唯一一件事就是倾听 The only thing I've done with your mouth is listen to it.
怀亚特 你能告诉你的小个头老板 Wyatt, can you just tell your little bossy- boss
你喜欢我为我们做的所有计划吗 that you love all my plans for us?
谢啦谢啦 Thank you, thank you.
我刚想起来 我得去喂鸟了 - I just remembered...I got to go feed my birds.
鸟都这样 对吧 Birds, right?
总是在你超爱的对话中 Always eating in the middle of conversations
需要吃东西 you definitely want to have.
先生们 恐怕我得过 Gentlemen, I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to fold-
来把你们的钱都拿走了 all this cash in my pocket!
小伙子们 我现在被弗洛贝特催眠了 - Boys, Ive now been hypnotized by Flobert,
我不再受你们魅力的影响了 and I am no longer susceptible to your charms.
不过 超级不起作用 And...it's super not working.
说到起作用 Oh, speaking of working!
老葛 如果你带上电击枪陪我去自动提款机存这些钱 Gurgs, if you and your Taser will escort me to the ATM
也许会给你一个特别的 so I can deposit all this money, there might be a special.
击掌作为庆祝 high five in it for you.
丹 我知道无论我说什么 Dan, I know there's nothing I can say
都不能让你退出这场牌局 to get you to walk away from this game.
所以我带了个替身来送你走人 So I brought a ringer to send you packing.
什么 什么叫替身 - What? What do you mean, a ringer?
什么 What...
奥利 奥利维亚 Ol- - Olivia.
在法学院 我靠打扑克来交学费 - In law school, I paid for my tuition by playing poker.
太好了 Great.
所以你在一群满脸粉刺的法律系学生面前丢大脸吗 So you wiped the floor with some pimply- faced law students?
其实是拉斯维加斯的深度扑克盛会 - Actually, it was the Deep Stack Poker Extravaganza in Vegas.
连续三年 Three years in a row.
我不得不放弃 因为我遇到了问题 Had to give it up 'cause I had a problem.
和俄罗斯黑手党闹了矛盾 With the Russian mafia.
别担心 Don't you worry.
我不会让那个坏女人伤害你们的 I'm not gonna let that mean lady hurt you.
我不会占用你太多时间的 - I won't take up much of your time.
我们都是大忙人 We're both very busy people.
如果你想找茬 有件事你应该知道 Something you should know if you want to pick a fight- -
-我总是会赢 -哦 是吗 I always win. - Oh, yeah?
有件事你应该知道 我们不都是大忙人 Well, something youshould know. We're not both busy people.
我在画我的梦中情猫 I was drawing my dream cat.
-可爱死了 -我知道 对吧 It's socute. I know right?
它有一个可爱的心形小鼻子 等等 It's got this cute little heart nose and- - Wait a minutel
我们在吵架 我可不怕你 We're in a fight, and I'm not afraid of you.
你这话就像艾拉·菲茨马库斯 - You sound just like Ella FitzMarcus.
在我之前 她直接统治了家长教师协会会 Before me, she ruled the PTA because every year
因为每年她都请阿尔·洛克来解说我们的节日庆典 she got Al Roker to narrate our holiday pageant.
直到有一年阿尔没来 Until the year that Al didn't show
因为他的意大利新司机迷路了 because his new Italian chauffeur got lost.
问我怎么知道艾尔的司机是意大利人吗 How'd I know that Al's chauffeur was Italian?
我哪儿知道 A- beats a- me.
妈妈咪呀 Mamma mia.
所以 谢啦谢啦 - So...thank you, thank you.
不行不行 - No, thank you, no, thank you.
让我给你讲一个我认识的另一个恶霸的故事 Let me tell you a story about another bully I knew.
那个恶霸的名字是我们整个六年级篮球队 That bully's name was my entire sixth- grade basketball team.
还有一些家长 And also some of the parents.
每次我去投篮 他们都会喊“不要啊” Whenever I went to shoot, they'd all yell, "No! "
因为他们觉得我会失手 'cause they thought I'd miss.
如果你没懂的话 我才是我故事的主导者 - In case it wasn't clear, I was the chauffeur in my story.
我们现在在讲我的故事 - We're on my story now.
我整个赛季都坐冷板凳 I spent that entire season on the bench,
但我一有机会就练习 but I practiced every chance I got.
到了赛区决赛的时候球队有一半的人 And when it was time for the division finals
都得了单核细胞增多症 and half the team was out with mono because of a game
因为参加了那个没准我去的转瓶游戏 of spin- the- bottle I was excluded from,
他们别无选择 只好让我上场 they had no choice but to put me in.
当所有人都喊“不要啊”的时候 我投进了那一球 And when everyone shouted, "No, "I made that shot.
结果投错了篮筐 Turns out it was in the wrong basket.
所以他们才大喊不要 That's why they were shouting.
但重点是 我不会退缩 But the point is...I don't back down.
所以你一直都很拉跨是吧 - So you've always been a loser.
很棒的故事 我就知道结局会这样 Great story. Kind of knew the ending.
对你来说太糟糕了 我不会输 Too bad for you...I don't lose.
-你在我的法庭上就输了 -那次是有人作弊 - You lost in my courtroom. That was rigged.
你是法官 在荧光灯下大家都是输家 You were the judge, and no one wins in fluorescent lighting.
好的 那我们在你的地盘上比吧 - AII right. Let's play on your turf.
计时投篮对决 Shot Clock Showdown.
我会为了艾拉和阿尔·洛克 I'm gonna beat you for Ella and Al Roker
打败你还有这些年来你伤害过的每一位单身母亲 and every single mother you crushed over the years.
比就比 You re on.
哦 顺便说一下 我还有一个关于篮球的故事 Oh, and by the way, I also have a basketball story.
我代表康涅狄格大学赢了全国冠军 I won a national championship with UConn.
所以我俩都有关于篮球的成功故事嘛 So we both have equally good stories about basketball!
好的 所以你们俩都梭哈了是吗 - AII right. So you're both all in, huh?
我告诉你吧 我来 梭哈 I'll tell you what. It's my call. AlI in.
超级顺子 - Ha! Queen- high straight.
-比我的两对大 -是的 你知道吗 - Beats my two pair. - Yeah. Well, you know what?
我很遗憾地通知你 女王已死 I hate to inform you. The queen is dead.
国王万岁 我的顺子比你的大 Long live the king...high straight.
哦 钱钱 到这里来 爸比想你了 Oh, money? Come here. Daddy missed you.
等等 等等 Hold on. Hold on.
这家伙的2对很不错 This guy's two pair is really good.
三 还有三 It's 3s...and 3s.
哈 是四条啊 Ha! That's four of a kind.
我的天啊 我赢了 Oh, my God. I win!
我终于有钱去修我背后纹身上的错别字了 I can finally afford to fix the typos in my back tattoo.
谢谢你的帮助 给你一块手表 Thanks for your help. Here's a watch.
祝你控制冲动好运 Good luck with your horniness.
等等 现在已经过了午夜 Hold on. It's after midnight.
舰队周结束了 我还没有舔过水手 Fleet Week is over and I didn't lick one sailor.
让我们看看你下周在摔角狂热周的表现吧 Let's see how you do next week during WrestleMania.
妈妈咪呀 Mamma mia.
快来 Come quick!
法官要和一个老妈比计时投篮对决 The judge is about to play some mom in Shot Clock Showdown!
-100美元赌是老妈赢 -好 我赌 - Hundred dollars on the mom? - Yeah. I'll take that action.
-你有100块吗 -我有一个回形针 You got 100 bucks? - I got a paper clip.
她手感火热 She's on fire!
别这样 你赢不了她的 Don't do this. You can't beat her.
我跟贾思敏对上过一次 现在我得背一串 I stood up to Jasmine once, and now I have to memorize
可以接受的谈话要点 a list of acceptable talking points
因为这周末我要见她父母 because this weekend, I'm meeting her parents.
但我觉得记这个能帮我和丹说话 But I do think it will help me talk to Dan.
你想得美 You wish.
所以她在康涅狄格大学打过球 那是八百年前的事儿了 So she played for UConn. That's ancient history.
几年前 在赢得她的第三枚奥运金牌后 - She only stopped playing pro a couple years ago
她才没打职业比赛了 after winning her third Olympic gold.
二十分 无敌 Twenty points! Unbeatable!
感觉了吗 这就是当年立陶宛队的感受 Feel that? That's how Lithuania felt.
土豆 Potatoes!
快来吃大土豆 Get your big potatoes here!
法官 如果你认为你能做到 - Judge, if you think you can do this.
那我相信你 I believe in you.
怀亚特 你人真好 - Wyatt, that's very sweet of you.
但这是我最不需要的 But that's the last thing I need.
我的策略是建立在人们不相信我的基础上的 My game was built on people not believing in me.
艾比 我一直在你身边 Abby, just know I'm here for you.
我百分之零支持你 I am behind you zero percent!
她手感火热 She's on fire!
难以置信 Unbelievable!
你们的消极让她更厉害了 Your negativity made her stronger.
嘿 我只是想说 你欠我五块钱 Hey. I just want to say...you owe me five bucks.
哦 不 我希望这不会意味着 Oh, no. I- I hope this doesn't mean
我们得改天再去见你父母 we'll have to take a rain check on meeting your parents.
什么事都改天再说吧 - I'm taking a rain check on everything.
我得专心打篮球 I need to focus on my basketball.
我刚刚输给了一个投土豆的一米二公务员 I just lost to a four- foot civil servant shooting a potato!
谢谢你一直支持我 - Thanks for sticking by me.
不用谢我 Aw, no need to thank me.
你确实鼓励了我要为自己挺身而出 And you did inspire me to stand up for myself.
我想我应该加薪 I think I deserve a raise.
尴尬噜 Awkward.
谁把那东西拔掉 Someone unplug that thing.
一直都没插电源啊 - It wasunplugged the whole time.
这就是夜间法庭 宝贝 That's night court, baby!