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前情提要 realEstate.
-奥古斯特·里普利 -罗谢尔·戴克 August Ripley. - Rochelle Decker.
我懂这些东西 - I get these things.
虽然我再也听不见他们说话 也看不到了 I can' t hear them anymore, I can' t see them.
但我了解他们 But I know them.
我一直都挺喜欢你的 佐伊 - You know, I always liked you, Zooey.
她是我们中的一员了 She's one of us.
我们中的一员 我们中的一员 One of us. One of us.
我听说你离开教会的事了 I heard about the day you left the church.
那个组织无法实现我的需求 The organization wasn't meeting my needs.
亲爱的卢克 请将此信当做我 - Dear Luke, please consider this
离开罗曼地产的辞呈 my resignation from the Roman Agency.
立即生效 Effective immediately.
苏珊·爱尔兰 Susan Ireland.
哈桑 - Hasan!
米娜 塔里克 Mina, Tarik,
我不能给你们一个确定的卖出日期或价格 I can' t give you a guaranteed sale date or price.
没人能 市场是变动的 就像会呼吸一样 Nobody can. The market is a living, breathing thing.
那你5分钟前给我们的价格是多少 So, what was that number you gave us five minutes ago?
这是一个我认为可以让我们处于优势的挂牌价 That is a listing price that I think will put us
我认为应该会收到几份 in a very positive position. I suspect we' ll get
我认为应该会收到几份 in a very positive position. I suspect we'll get
高于该报价的出价 但是 我们就拭目以待吧 several offers above that, but, well, wait and see.
那么 So,
你们还有没有别的事要告诉我呢 is there anything else that I need to know?
-没 -没 什么都没有 - Mmm. No. - Mmm. No. Nothing. No.
-没 我我我觉得 -听上去不错 No, I- I- I don t- - - Sounds great.
我觉得没有 没 - I don' t think so, no.
我觉得没有没 - I don' t think so, no.
你们也知道 这种旧房子 - These older houses often have, uh,
通常会有些传说啊 怪事啊什么的 features and quirks that could impact
可能会影响到它的潜在市价 the potential sales price and days on market.
如果你们有这种情况 Now, if this is the case,
那最好现在就说出来 we are very good at managing these things,
我们在这方面可是非常在行的 but now is the time to tell us.
你告诉他隔壁住了个反基督教徒吗 Did you tell him about the antichrist next door?
-达利亚 -我觉得他应该知道 Daria. - He needs to know.
马西一家 The Masseys.
我们的邻居就是地狱使者 Our neighbors from hell.
不可理喻的邻居也没那么 Unreasonable neighbors aren't that- -
罕见吧 ...unusual.
岂止是不可理喻 - Unreasonable?
自从我们搬进来他们就一直搞事情 They' ve been a problem since we moved in.
我们一直想做个好邻居 - We've tried to be good neighbors.
问问这个街区的其他人就知道了 Ask anyone else on the block.
-但是马西一家 -如果被他们发现我们要卖房子 - But with the Masseys? - If they find out we’ re selling,
他们肯定会蓄意破坏交易 they' ll try to sabotage us.
抹黑我们 吓走买家 Badmouth us. Scare away the buyers.
谁愿意跟一个杀气腾腾的精神病做邻居呢 Who wants to live next to murderous psychopaths?
这些事我们通常不会写在 We generally try and keep those bullet points
宣传资料里面 out of the marketing materials.
那我们该怎么做呢 - What can we do?
一般来说 我喜欢采取行动 Well, generally, I like to head off the problem
先主动联系对方 表达我们的善意 by reaching out first; create goodwill.
还表达善意 那我祝你好运了 Goodwill? Good luck.
一篮子美味的麦芬能带来意想不到的效果 - You'd be surprised what a properly deployed muffin basket
这个你们不用了吧 can achieve. Now, are you done with this?
这景色可真不错 Nice landscaping.
至少他们房子打理的不错 Least they keep the property up.
人们也总是这样说变态斧子杀人狂的 - That’ s what they always say about axe murderers:
天 真意外呢 "Gee, what a surprise.
他们居然把院子打理的这么好 They took such good care of their yard. "
绿植真不错 Nice greenery.
是吧 Aren't they?
所以 应该挺容易吧 是栋正常房子 So, should be an easy one. A normie.
嗯 跟苏珊说的一样 Hm. Just like Susan suggested.
我们欢迎每个客户 We've always welcomed every client,
无论他们对于超自然事件参与度有多高 regardless of their degree of metaphysical engagement,
所以哈桑家的住宅应该很简单 so the Hasans should be pretty simple.
开放日 看房 成交 Open, show, closing.
但是他们的邻居的确是把他们吓坏了 But their neighbors have got them really spooked.
也许只是两家人合不来吧 Perhaps it s just bad chemistry.
也许吧 但是菲尔 你去哈桑家做房产评估时 Maybe, but, Phil, when you do the HCP at the Hasan house- -
顺便也看看马西家的 - I'II check the Massey place, too.
也许他们只是太相似了吧 Maybe they’ re just too alike?
我的意思是 住郊区迟早会让人神经了 I mean, suburbia rots everyone' s brain sooner or later.
哈桑一家在这住了日年了 The Hasans have lived there for eight years.
跟其他人从没有过任何过节 至少他们是这么说的 They never had problems with anyone else, or so they say.
奥古斯特 我想让你尽快去一趟 August, I want you in there sooner than later.
哈桑两口子看上去不像是编的 但是 Hasans don' t seem like the type to make this up, but- -
挪威有一项关于邻居间老鼠的 There was a fascinating study done on Norwegian rats
有趣研究 ...living in close proximity- -
塔里克 我们正聊起你呢 Tarik? We were just talking about you.
什么 What?
好吧 Okay
现在你总相信我们了吧 you're gonna have to believe us now
我真不敢相信一个正常人会 - I can' t believe a normal person would- -
跟奥兹·奥斯朋一样癫狂 然后还丢在我们家门口 Go all Ozzy Osbourne and then drop it on our doorstep?
我跟你说 这些人就是精神病 I told you, these people are sick.
我再也受不了了 - I can' t take this anymore.
你不必再忍受下去了 - You don’t have to.
塔里克 你这时候跟人起争执 Tarik, this really isn't the time
真的不合适 to get into an altercation with these people.
马西 你个让人作呕的胆小鬼 Massey, you cowardly pile of pukel
给我出来 马西 Come out and face mel Massey!
而且别总让你那高的吓人的老婆 And don t just send out your freakishly tall wife
来替你跟别人干仗 让我看看你有什么能耐 to fight your battles! I want a piece of you!
天 小点声 Man, dial it down a little. -
你说我老婆什么 - What' d you say about my wife?
他不是那意思 - I don' t think that he meant anything.
她太高了 高的吓人 She's tall! Freakishly tall!
高的不正常 Abnormally tall!
-你把这话给我收回去 -不然呢 - You take that back. - Or what?
你打算放你那个苗条女人来咬我不成 You gonna unleash Slenderwoman on me?
小心我放狗咬你 I' m gonna do some unleashing, all right.
什么样的变态 What kind of a sicko
会把鸟头扭下来放在别人家门口 rips the head off a bird and puts it on someone's porch?
受不了大半夜被灯照的 The kind of sicko who s tired of getting
睡不着觉的变态 怎么了 a midnight suntan, that' s who!
-我的廊前灯 我想开就开 -塔里克 把石头放下 My porch light, my rules! Tariq, put down the rock.
我的狗 咬你的屁股 如何 My dog! Your ass! How about that?
马西先生 把狗牵好 Mr. Massey, put down the dog. - Whoa- ho- ho.
一个50英尺高的女人出来叫嚣 影子都可以铺满大地了 And a shadow covers the land as the 50- foot woman attacks.
吃屎去吧 哈桑 Eat a heaping bowl of shit, Hasan!
你个肢解鸟的变态 You bird dismemberer!
-你就是个疯子 -你是个精神病 - You're insanel You' re a sociopath!
-你们可是邻居啊 -过来把鸟拿走啊 马西 You're neighbors! Come get your bird, Massey.
好啊 去吧 毛毛 Okay. Go get’ em, Buttercup!
-快走 -不 Go onl - No!
希望他能给我留个琵琶腿 Hope he saved me a drumstick.
讽刺的是我其实只有196cm The irony is I m only five- nine.
还是带鞋跟的高度 In heels.
你们两家之间 - You always had this kind of, um...
关系一直这么紧张吗 tension between you?
紧张 自从我们搬来 - Tension? They made our lives
他们就一直找我们麻烦 a living hell ever since we moved in.
不是他们后搬来的吗 Thought you were here first? - Oh!
你看看他们都做过什么 Look. Look at the things they do.
这有点看不太清 - It's a little hard to make out.
是 就是因为他们家的廊前灯啊 Yeah, that’s because of their goddam porchlight.
那灯得有100亿流明吧 Thing's gotta be like a 100 jillion lumens.
整夜整夜的照着我们家卧室 It shines right into our bedroom all night.
你跟他们说过吗 - Well, did you talk to them about it?
说过啊 他们让我们搬去一个 Yeah. They suggested something involving a place
没有太阳照的地方 多伤人的话啊 where the sun doesn t shine. It was hurtful.
是 这还不是最差劲的呢 - Yeah, that’s not even the worst of it.
你再看看这个 Here, look at this.
-上面是说 -对啊 Does that say- ? - Yeah!
-骂人呢 -那王八蛋 - The'f word'. Son of a bitch
大晚上偷偷溜进我们家院了 然后在我们家前草坪上 snuck onto our property at night and wrote it in huge letters
用施肥机写下的巨大字母 with a fertilizer spreader on our front lawn.
我们不得不每隔几天就修剪一次 - We had to mow every few days to keep it from growing taller
以防止它长高并影响到周围的年轻人 and corrupting young people.
但你也确实用刀把纸条扎在他们门上了 - Well, you did pin a note to their door with a knife.
你看到他们的树篱了吗 - - Have you seen their hedges?
看上去就像是那个主唱 They look like the lead singer from- -
-那乐队叫啥来着 -讨厌鬼 What's the name of that band? - The Melvins.
对 就是讨厌鬼 而他们拒绝修剪 The Melvinsl And they refuse to trim em!
你也知道这样会非常影响房屋价值 You know how something like that can affect property values!
好吧 Okay.
你看上去像是个不错的地产中介 Look, you seem okay for a real estate guy.
如果你能帮他们把房子卖了 我们乐不得他们搬走呢 And if you sell the house, we'll be glad to see them go.
但是 我们家绝对不会 But...there' s no goddamn way
帮他们任何忙的 that we are gonna help them do anything.
你记住我的话 You mark my words:
如果我们像毛毛抓住的那只可怜的鸟一样 If we ever turn up dead and headless, bleeding out
丢了脑袋 流血不止 那你就知道 on the porch like that poor bird Buttercup got hold of,
这事一定是哈桑家干的 you'll know the Hasans did it.
好吧 Well,
希望你们喜欢吃麦芬 meanwhile, enjoy the muffins.
放弃了 这么快吗 Quitting? Already?
你做地产中介 Well, you've only been a real estate agent
才几天而已啊 for a few days.
邓恩-赫伯特的交易是你搞定的 别人都没成 You closed the Dunn- Herberts when no one else could.
是 然后我回家 冲了45分钟的澡 Yeah. And then I went home and took a 45- minute shower
就为了洗掉资本主义的残余 to wash off the filmy residue of capitalism.
这就是成长 - It's called growing up.
不 这叫出卖原则 No, this was called selling out.
而且我觉得这就不适合我 And I just don' t think that it' s right for me.
但我也不想让卢克失望 But I also don’ t want to let Luke down either.
年轻的时候喜欢游荡没什么大不了 - It's fine to wander when you' re young.
甚至会有种贵族范儿 Noble, even.
但一个人到最后总要选择一条路 But one must eventually choose a path
然后一直坚持到最后 and follow it to the end
因为老流浪者会缺乏人生目标和方向 because old wanderers lack direction, purpose.
而且他们经常随地大小便 And they often pee outdoors. -
嗨 有事吗 Hi. May I help you?
我是来找菲尔·奥利的 Oh, I m- I' m looking for Phil Orley.
能问下您是哪位吗 May I say who is here? -
菲尔还没重要到 Philly can't possibly be
需要前台进行这么严格的审查吧 important enough to merit this level of screening.
菲力 Oh, Philly.
嘿 菲力 近来好吗 Hey, Philly. Que pasa?
艾比 Abby!
你怎么来了 没什么事吧 Wh- what are you doing here? Is everything okay?
什么事都没有 我正要给你们的秘书 Everything's fine. I was just about to
提交我的血检报告呢 submit a blood sample to your secretary here.
现在交也不晚啊 - It’ s not too late.
这是佐伊 我们新晋升的地产经纪 This is Zooey, our newest agent.
佐伊 这是我老姐 艾比 Zooey, my big sister, Abby.
幸会 Charmed. Mm.
好了 来吧 Okay, come on.
那么 艾比 不是说你来我不开心哈 但到底啥事 So, Abs, not that this isn't a treat, but what’ s up?
我正好进城所以就想 - I was in town and wondered
也许你和安东尼有时间一起吃个晚饭 if you and Anthony were free for dinner.
你进城干嘛 - In town for what?
带你和安东尼去吃晚餐啊 To take you and Anthony for dinner.
我在处理父母庄园的 I was taking care of some paperwork
一些文书 不用谢我了 from mom and dad' s estate - you're welcome
然后想借着这事来顺便看看 and thought what a great excuse to visit
我第三喜欢的小弟 my third- favorite little brother.
你要是高明点 Play your cards right and that
说不定可以荣升第二的位子呢 second- favorite slot might even open up.
好吧 我得问问安东尼 他最近挺忙的 Okay, well, I Il have to check with Anthony. He’ s really busy- -
不如就去去年圣诞节我们去过的那家餐厅吧 - How' bout that place we all went to last Christmas?
-弗里蒙斯 -弗里蒙斯 明天晚上7点 - Fremonts? - Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7: 00?
艾比 我现在手头的工作巨多 我真没 Abby, I ve got a ton of work on my plate right now. I don't- -
我知道你又忙又重要 - I know you' re so busy and important.
就定7:30吧 Let’ s make it 7: 30.
你先看看 我们晚餐时聊 Give this a quick look. WeIl talk at dinner.
拜 Bye.
这就是我大姐 女士们先生们 My big sister, ladies and gentlemen.
-行吧 我好像不咋喜欢她 -我也不喜欢 - Yeah, I m not sure I like her. Oh, me neither.
对了 卢克让你给他回电话 Luke wanted you to call him, by the way.
好吧 Okay.
菲力 Philly.
虽然我也不想这么说 但记录没问题 - I hate to say it, but the records look clean.
产权界限跟过去农用地时一模一样 Property line has stayed the same since it was farmland.
房子建了多久了 Well, how long have they been there?
那就得好好查查了 - That’s gonna take a deeper dive.
农场管理局记录 民间传说 趣闻轶事 Farm bureau records, folklore, anecdotals.
这两栋房子建了应该有年头了 - Well, these houses have been here a while.
看你能不能查到之前是谁住的 See if you can track down who lived here before.
我喜欢有挑战的工作 I love a challenge. - Hm.
好消息是 这是一栋价格合理的好房子 Good news is it' s a great house at a reasonable price point.
买家估计要排队出价了 The buyers should be lined up.
那坏消息我应该已经知道了 - I think we know the bad news already.
就是隔壁那家 They live next door.
说实话 我不得不告诉你们 Honestly, I have to tell you,
我跟他们聊过 而且他们其实 I spoke with them and they were- -
-别说了 -不仅讲理 甚至很友善 - Don't say it! - Reasonable. Even nice.
你当时在场啊 You were here!
难道你没看见那被砍头的鸟吗 Did you not see the decapitated bird?
他们说是他们家狗子干的 They told me their dog did that.
然后你就信了 - And you believed them?
说实话 我不知道该信谁 Honestly, I don't know who to believe.
你们对他们也采取过一些极端的行为 You did some kind of extreme stuff to them, too.
他给你看草坪了吧 He showed you the lawn.
所以你们也没那么无辜吧 - You're not exactly innocents here.
那也许我们该重新找个中介了 Then maybe we need to find new representation.
你要解雇我们 Mm- hm. You'd fire us?
虽然这是前所未有的事 Wow, that is wildly unprecedented
但这是你们的权力 and certainly your prerogative, but my solution
但我的解决方案是尽快 would be to sell your house as quickly as possible
以尽可能高的价格卖掉你们的房子 for the most amount of money possible
并且在你和马西夫妇之间留有一些余地 and put some space between you and the Masseys
避免事情到最后搞得不可收拾 before you develop a nuclear program.
我们即将举行街区派对了 - We have that block party coming up.
很多人都会参加 A lot of people come to that.
太好了 谁不爱街区派对呢 Great! Everybody loves a block party.
给人们一个真正的机会了解彼此的邻居 Gives people a real chance to get a feel for the neighborhood,
看看大家如何好好相处 see how well everybody gets along.
如果这样能让我们更快卖掉这里 - If it' ll get us out of here faster,
那我们也可以假装一下 we'll fake it.
这就完事了嘛 That is all I want to hear!
你看哈 不需要你们爱他们 Look, you don' t need to love them.
只要不攻击他们就好 Just don' t attack them for a while.
我们试试吧 We'll try.
也许先试试关掉那个亮的 And maybe turn off that porch light
跟一千个太阳似的廊前灯 that burns like a thousand suns?
看看吧 We' ll see.
好嘞 天下太平了 - There you go. Peace in our time.
你们最大的优势就在于 Your greatest advantage is that you live
这个社区十分理想 in a highly desirable neighborhood
但可选的房源却不多 and no other inventory is available here.
你们就可以根据市场定价然后 You get to set the market and- - -
这就是要开战了 This means war.
我非常感谢你能来 弗林先生 - I really appreciate you coming in, Mr. Flynn.
我办公室就在这边拐角 近得很 Oh, my office is just around the corner.
太好了 那么 你曾经在索瑟菲尔德路4号住过对吧 Great. So, you used to live at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?
邻居是罗恩·马西和雷娜塔·马西夫妇 Next door to Rowan and Renata Massey?
他们真是最糟糕的邻居了 Ohh...They were the worst. -
-怎么会 -不停吵架 How so? - Arguments.
非常吵 人品极差 Noisy. Nasty.
一直那样 没完没了 All the time endless.
都因为什么事呢 About what?
就是邻里之间的那种 You know, neighbor stuff.
有具体例子吗 Anything specific?
他们弄死了我的猫 They killed my cat!
什么 Excuse me?
他们用一碗防冻液毒死了我的猫 They put out a bowl of antifreeze and poisoned my cat!
-这太暗黑了 -诡异 That’ s dark. Weird
你不问我都忘了 I forgot it until just now.
-嘿 -嗯 - Hey. - Yeah?
丽塔·韦斯 RhTA weiss 雁ABSTA GENT
你是丽塔公司的 You work for Rita.
我是她助理 I' m her assistant.
我是她助理 - I' m her assistant.
嘿 你从没跟我提过你们要卖房子啊 Hey! You never mentioned you were thinking about selling.
我们想了有一阵了了 Oh, we been thinking about it for a while.
我们的房子更好 You know, we got the nicer house
我们人也更好 and we’ re empirically better people,
所以为什么要让他们抢占市场呢 so why let them set the market?
卢克 见到你可真高兴啊 Lukel So nice to see you.
不过这房子 I'm afraid this house is a...
你怕是买不起 tiny bit out of your price range,
也许我们可以帮你找个 but maybe we can help you find a nice haunted amusement park,
闹鬼的游乐园什么的 or something.
能说句话吗 Can I have a word? - Hm.
看谁在那边呢 Look who’ s over there.
听着 丽塔 这两家之间 Listen, Rita, there is something going on
有点问题 between these neighbors.
邻里间的摩擦吗 A little friction between neighbors?
这不很正常嘛 Happens all the time.
你非要干扰我们卖房是吧 You had to horn in on our actions!
我有权把我们家房子挂牌出售 We have every right to expose it to the open market,
-跟你们一样 -我发誓 你最好给我 - just the same as you! - Swear to God, you better not- -
那头奶牛对我们来说意味着一切 可你却把她据为己有 That cow meant everything to us and you took her for your own!
那头奶牛在我们家地上瞎溜达 The cow wandered onto our land!
你就是想占为己有 You were trying to claim him!
整个一片高梁地 ...whole crop of sorghuml
我们这个季节颗粒无收 We will have nothing for the rest of the season.
-你别想对我指手画脚 -再指我就把你的手咬掉 Don't dare tell me what to do! - I Il bite them off your hand!
-塔里克 -我受够了 - Tarik! - I’ ve had enough of you, buddy!
塔里克 Tarik!
还记得我们说过的吗 Remember what we talked about?
回房子里去 Back in the house.
-这事没完 我发誓 -对 这事是没完 This isn’ t over! Swear to Godl No, it’ s not over,
因为你还没血流成河呢 because you' re not lying in a pool of blood!
-嘿 -没完 你等着 Hey! - Not yetl Not yetl
走吧 No, come on!
就是点小摩擦嘛 So, a little friction, you say?
你听见他们吼什么了吗 Did you hear what they were screaming about?
不知道 好像什么奶牛 Uh, I dunno. Something about a cow?
嘿 我收到你的消息了 我今晚要加班 所以 Hey. I got your text. I m working tonight so- -
这事你绝对想不到 You are not gonna believe this.
不就是艾比盖尔嘛 我猜到了 It's Abigail. I might.
这是一份遗嘱变更的宣誓书 This is an affidavit of posthumous variation,
也就是说 是遗嘱认证后分配的前身 which is a precursor to post- probate allocation,
-也就是说 -等会 等会 - which means- - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
你从头开始说 Start at the beginning.
从打我出生起 我父母就参与我们教区的各项事务 My parents were super involved in our parish church,
这事你知道的 my whole life. You know this.
所以他们经常告诉我们 等我们走了 So they always told us, "When we're gone,
留下的一切都由你们平分 everything's split between you kids except for
除了一块地 那是给教会用的 this one piece of land. That’ s for the church. "
是要建教堂吗还是 Like, to build a church, or...?
谁在乎 就是一块几英亩的长满杂草的土地 Who cares? It’ s a couple acres of dirt and weeds
我觉得就算是耶稣来了 that I don't think Jesus could find
没个GPS都找不到它 without the GPS coordinates.
-然而呢 -然而 And yet? - And yet,
我妈去世时就没人提起这事 when my mom passed it never came up.
我就以为这事在遗嘱中有详细说明 I just assumed that it was specified in the will
并且这地也已经给教会了 and then handed over.
很明显并没有 Apparently not.
这块地跟整个庄园都分到了我们手里 It's gone to us kids with the rest of the estate.
所以现在它是我们的了 - So, it’s ours now?
我们夏天可以放牧小马 Our summer place to graze the ponies
让柯基自由奔跑的地方 and let the corgis run free?
艾比盖尔说我们现在可以捐给教会 Abigail says that we should donate it to the church now.
这些表格就是干这个的 That’ s what these forms are for.
你看 See, you know,
所以我最烦的就是艾比盖尔这一点了 that' s what kills me about Abigail!
她就不能假冒一下我的签名 She doesn' t have the decency to forge my name
安安静静把这事干了 不行 and do this deal quietly. No!
她非要用这事为难我一下 She has to ambush me and- and- and
而且她清楚的知道 只要给我点时间考虑 knowing perfectly well that, given enough time,
我不仅会拒绝 而且还会说 绝对不行 not only am I going to say no, but hell, no.
你跟你姐的关系 确实太复杂了 Your relationship with your sister is...complicated.
她总是最讨人喜欢的那个 总是做好人 She was always the favorite, the- the good one.
我最后不得不拉高姿态去做牧师才略微领先了她一点 It took a big gesture of me becoming a priest to pull ahead.
圣母玛利亚啊 Sort of a Hail Mary.
你想留下那块地吗 Do you want to keep the land?
不想 我是说 - No. I mean...
留下能干嘛呢 What- what would we do with it?
这不是问题的重点 That’s not- that’ s not the point! The
重点是 她来问我 The point is...she's asking me.
我 Me!
让我把并非毫无价值的东西 To give something that- - with a not- insignificant
捐给教会 dollar value to the church.
而就是这个教会选择 The same church that chose to model
把我赶出去 来展现基督宽容的宗旨 the tolerant ministry of Christ by tossing me out the narthex!
我这人不够好 但我遗产就能入他们眼了 不行 不给 I'm not good enough, but my inheritance is? No! No.
好吧 很好 很简单啊 Okay, great, simple.
-简单 -把你刚才 Simple? - Just tell Abby
跟我说的话说给艾比听 what you just told me.
是哦 Yes.
不行 No.
绝对不行 Hell, no.
这才叫营销 Now that is marketing.
是啊 小学里的小孩 Oh, yeah. Kids at a grade- school
都很有品牌忠诚度 are known for their brand loyalty.
我去跟人聊聊天 - I' m going to mingle.
我叫阿尔文 I' m Alvin.
在丽塔·韦斯手下做事 I- I work for Rita Weiss
思考和祈祷 阿尔文 Oh. Thoughts and prayers, Alvin.
你跟罗曼做事对吧 - You're with Roman, right?
是什么感觉啊 - Mm- hm. - What's that like?
大部分时间 还行吧 - It' s okay. Most of the time.
我之所以这么问是因为听到了些事 - I ask because I hear things.
什么事 What kind of things?
就比如 - Like,
你们跟魔鬼做协议 这样就能把人 you made a pact with the devil that so you could move people
转移到不同的房子里 好让他吃掉他们的灵魂 into different houses so that he could eat their souls.
是 是 真事儿 Yeah, yeah. I can confirm that.
-你还真骗到我了 -有吗 You had me there. - Did I?
我还是回去吧 得确保 Well, I better get back. Gotta make sure
没人带着锐器进去 nobody gets in there with, you know, sharp objects.
那样的话押金就要不回来了 是 We' ll lose the deposit. Yeah ha. Yeah.
那样的话押金就要不回来了 是 We'll lose the deposit. Yeah- ha. Yeah.
感谢你的服务 Thank you for your service.
希望自己能想出这招 对吧 Wish yol d thought of it, right?
是啊 下一个资格预审合格的孩子就是你的了 Yeah! The next pre- qualified toddlers to come by are yours.
听着 我们跟几个在哈桑和马西之前 Listen, we talked to some of the people who lived
住在这房子里的住客谈过 in these houses before the Hasans and Masseys.
-然后 -就这么说吧 And? Let' s just say
这里有过暴力史 there's a history of violence.
我们得在他们互相残杀之前 把这里关掉 We need to close these places before they murder each other.
是个好主意 This is a great idea.
给你 There you go.
来吧 Here we go! -
不 No.
别动 Stay!
-嘿 你还好吧 -我没事 Hey, are you okay? - I am.
但场面已经开始失控了 But this is getting out of control.
真是一团糟 - Well, this is a mess.
我那个没用的助理呢 Where’s that useless assistant of mine?
不不不 Oh, no, no, no, no.
阿尔文跳进来了 Alvin bounced.
这周接下来的几天 Well, guess who' s picking up her own dry cleaning
我要自己取干洗衣物了 for the rest of the week.
他被捅了哎 丽塔 He got knifed, Rita
而你根本就不在乎 and you don' t even care!
这事已经太过火了 This has gone too far.
安啦 没人会起诉的 Oh, relax. Nobody’ s pressing any charges.
不过就是缝几针 打个破伤风而已 A stitch here, a tetanus shot there.
不行 我们要处理好这事 No, we are gonna get on top of this thing.
我要去深入调查哈桑家 I' m gonna do a deep dive into the Hasans
你也要去调查马西家 and I need your go ahead to do the same at the Masseys.
让你的人调查我挂售的房子 Your people in my listing?
在问题解决前 - We're never going to sell these places
我们绝不会出售这些地方 until we settle this.
纯粹出于利益角度来看 我不认为你有拒绝的理由 From a pure greed perspective, can't see how you can refuse.
既然你都这么说了 Well, when you put it that way.
家里没有格外活跃的区域吗 No area in the home is particularly active?
大部分都在那边 - I mean, it' s mostly around that side,
离他们最近 closest to them.
晚上会有异响吗 - Any odd sounds at night?
没 是老鼠闹的啦 No. Well, rats.
-老鼠 -马西家几乎每晚都会 - Rats? - The Masseys throw dinner scraps
往我家院子里扔晚饭残渣 into our yard almost every night.
会引来浣熊 之后老鼠也就过来了 That brought raccoons. And then the rats came.
好卑鄙 That's despicable.
那次是他第一次当祭坛侍者 It was his first gig as altar boy.
那件法衣有点 Mm. - And the cassock was
太长了 a little too long.
伊森绊倒了 Oh. - Ethan tripped.
圣餐撒的到处都是 Body of Christ all over the place.
他难受极了 He was devastated.
特别担心耶稣会生他气 He was so worried Jesus would be mad at him.
我知道那种感觉 - I know that feeling.
看到他就让我想起小时候的你了 Oh, he reminds me so much of you at that age.
如此天真无邪 So innocent.
小帅哥一枚 随他舅啊 Ruggedly handsome, just like his uncle.
是啊 Yeah. -
-他是个好孩子 -嗯 - He's a good boy. Yeah.
很听家长话 Obeys his parents.
就这样我们优雅的过渡到了今天的正事上 And so we segue gracefully into the business of the day.
你早就知道妈妈想把那块地捐给教会 You knew mom wanted to give that land to the church.
我怎么可能不知道呢 How could I not?
她生命中最后四年里的每一次节日晚餐 Every festive dinner over the last four years of her life
都会预演一遍母亲身后事心愿清单 included a dry run of mother' s post- mortem wish list.
她还纳闷为什么没人动甜品 And she wondered why the desserts weren' t moving.
但问题是这样 艾比 But here' s the thing, Abs...
当时这事 back then it was.
就只是有那么个说法 it was abstract.
当时你还是牧师呢 And back then you were a priest.
是 Yeah.
行吧 是 但是 O- okay, sure, but- -
现在 现在是现实 Now? Now it's real.
现在你是个卖房的出柜经纪人 And now you' re a gay guy who sells real estate.
是 如果重要的话 我觉得当出柜和卖房这两件事都挺好的 Yeah, and I feel pretty good about both, if it matters.
是 是很重要 相当重要 - Yeah, it matters. Of course it matters a lot.
但你的世界已经发生了 But while your world has turned,
上千次的变化 可妈妈的没变啊 like, a thousand times, Mom' s hasn' t.
人死了确实是变不了了 Dying will do that to a person.
那不过就是两英亩的荒地 It' s a shitty two acres of nothing.
你为什么这么在乎 Why do you even care?
我在乎是因为你把这事儿个人化了 - I care because you made it personal.
在那之前 才发生过些事 就比如 Before it was something that just happened, like...
二月 佝偻病 或者季后赛 February, or rickets, or the playoffs
而我只能说“都已经发生了” and all I could say was, "Well, that happened. "
可现在你在逼我签字同意 But now you’ re making me sign off on it.
背书 这让我很生气 Endorse it. And it pisses me off!
你知道当初你离开教堂这件事 - Do you have any idea how much you hurt her...
对她造成多大伤害吗 Oh. ...when you left the church?
每次她朋友问起 Every time one of her friends asked about
她的牧师儿子的事 她都不得不纠正他们 her son, the priest...she had to correct them.
-是 她不必这么做的 -她纠正了 菲尔 Yeah. She didn' t have to. Yes she did. Phil- -
拜托 你知道妈这人 Come on! You knew mom.
她纠正了 She did.
心也碎了 and her heart broke.
是 Yeah.
我也知道那种感受 I know that feeling, too.
这样吧 再放回架子上试试 You know what? Let's just try it back over by the shelves again.
我发现我都嫉妒阿尔文 You know, I find myself envying Alvin
和他可靠的吗啡点滴了 and his reliable morphine drip.
你是个聪明人 Ooh, you’re a smart one.
是啊 我是天才 Yeah, I m a genius.
不不不不 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
你意识到这一切最终都是徒劳的 You recognize the ultimate futility of it all.
诀窍在于确定我们可以改变什么 The trick is to identify what we can change
不能改变什么 我们可以移动咖啡桌 and what we can' t. We can move a coffee table.
但不能强迫贷款人 We can' t force a lender
对收入不足的买家进行资格预审 to prequalify a buyer with insufficient income.
不能走合法途径 Not legally, anyway.
行吧 你开始有点吓到我了 Okay, you’ re starting to scare me a little.
这就是房地产 妞子 - That’ s real estate, kitten.
雷娜塔 你好 Oh, Renata! Hi!
你好 你是接阿尔文的班吗 Hi. Are you Alvin’ s replacement?
-天 我希望不是 -佐伊 God, I hope not. Uh, Zooey’ s, um
是位特别顾问 来评估房产的 a special consultant here to evaluate the property.
是的 我看到你外面的限制级草坪了 - Yeah, I saw your R- rated lawn outside.
天 哈桑家把这一切弄的很难搞 God, the Hasans make it so difficult.
看这里 See here!
双层玻璃窗 Double- glazed windows.
哈桑家从半夜到早上六点都会放音乐 The Hasans play their music from midnight to six AM.
他们甚至把低音炮放地上好让墙震动起来 They even put subwoofers on the ground to shake the walls.
-他们太坏了 -什么音乐 - They’ re evil people. - What kind of music?
音乐剧曲目 80年代电视主题曲 Show tunes; 80s TV themes;
豪尔与奥茨二重唱 Hall. And. Oates.
怪物 - Monsters.
凌晨两点 我还得被人提醒 Two o’ clock in the morning and I need to be reminded
我的吻在他们的清单上 that my kiss is on their list?
监狱的存在是干嘛用的 Why do we even have prisons?
-签了吧 -不要 Just sign it. - No.
不要 绝不签 Just no. Emphatically no.
这块土地的事是他们的选择 This land thing was their choice,
不是你的 not yours.
你想把财产留给谁都可以 You can leave your property to whoever you want!
人道协会 无国界医生 The Humane Society, Doctors Without Borders,
百老汇联盟基金会 the Broadway League Foundation.
别把安东尼扯进来 Leave Anthony out of this, please.
要他们愿望如此强烈 If they wanted it so badly,
当初干嘛不加进遗嘱里 why did they forget to have it in the will?
这就是他们的心愿 这对你来说毫无意义吗 This is what they wanted. Does that mean nothing to you?
显然对你的意义更大些 Clearly it means more to you.
完美的艾比 Perfect Abby.
永远都会做取悦妈妈的事 Always does what makes mommy happy.
从不搞事情 Never rocks the boat.
你伤了他们的心 You broke their hearts.
辞去了神职 跟一个 You left the priesthood. You married a- -
一个我个人很喜欢的很棒的 A- a wonderful guy who I personally love
知道斯蒂芬·桑德海姆写过的每一句歌词的男人结婚 and knows every lyric Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.
而且 你才是他们最喜欢的孩子 And, still, you were their favorite.
你赢了 You won.
我第三喜欢的弟弟 My third- favorite little brother.
你违背了他们教给我们的每一件事 You went against everything they ever taught us,
他们梦寐以求的每一件事 everything they ever dreamed
可最后 他们还是更爱你 and, in the end, they loved you more, anyway.
真棒 菲力 Yay for you, Philly.
你赢了 You won.
你知道吗 You know what?
签不签随你 Sign the papers, or don' t.
结果发邮件给我就好 You can let me know by mail.
你说了算 卢克 一直都是 - You're the boss, Luke, as always.
但没有任何灵异现象的迹象 But there is no sign of anything psychokinetic,
只有邪恶 only evil.
就是说你的仪器告诉你 So, your instruments are telling you- -
我的常识告诉我应该把马西一家 My sense of common decency tells me the Masseys
封存到玻璃罩里进行研究 should be sealed in a bell jar and studied!
嘿 佐伊 你 Hey, Zooey, what did you- -
那帮人就是禽兽 Those people are animals!
深表赞同 So, we agree.
我认为光把哈桑夫妇扔进 - I don' t think it’ s enough for the Hasans
地狱的深坑是不够的 to just be cast into the pit of hell.
哈桑夫妇 The Hasans?
我们应该先放火烧了他们 We should set them on fire first!
哈桑家 马西家 The Hasans? Innocent victims
故意吸引浣熊这变态行径下的无辜受害者吗 of the Masseys' sick, raccoon- based perversions?
没人应该大早上两点在未经同意的前提下 No one should be told at two o' clock in the morning
被人告知他们的吻在某人的清单上 that their kiss is on someone' s list. Without consent!
你疯了 You’ re insane.
你还是个秃子呢 Oh! You’re bald!
你鼻子上戴了个完全没必要的金属环 - You wear unnecessary metal in your nose.
-好吧 -好 先别急 Okay. Okay, before we say something- -
-乡下小子 -缺爱的女孩 Oh, farmer boy! Needy girl!
缺爱 退步了哦 奥古斯特 Needy? You're slipping, Augustl
明明六个音节能搞定的 为什么只用两个啊 Why only use two syllables when six will do?
你是个半途而废的人 你才当了几天的 - You're a quitter! You' ve only been a real estate agent
地产经纪 就已经想退出了 for a few days and already you want out!
你爸不是这么教你的吧 Your father should have taught you better.
慢着 你就没有 Oh, wait, you never really had a- -
奥古斯特 对不起 August, I am so sorry!
佐伊 Zooey
你对我来说相当重要 我不敢相信 You mean the world to me and I cannot believe- -
真的很对不起 - I'm so sorry!
你俩没事吧 - Are you guys okay?
你俩在房子里待了多久 How long were you inside those houses?
-不到三小时 -四小时 Less than three hours. - Four hours.
但光待在房子里是不够的 - But it isn' t enough just to be inside the house.
你得见到另一个 You need to confront someone
近期在另一栋房子里待过的人才会发作 who was recently inside the other house.
这样才会产生口角 That is when the fireworks start.
所以 怎么着 这就没个完了吗 So, what? It- it'Il never end?
人类会创作关于永恒爱情的歌曲和十四行诗 People write songs and sonnets about everlasting love.
但真正持久的 But for true staying power...
仇恨才是王道 hate takes the taco.
一头奶牛 - A cow.
该死的奶牛 Damn cow.
希望你是对的 - I hope you' re right.
菲尔 快些 Phil...make it fast.
我马上就到 - I'm minutes away.
开战 好吧 - It' s on, alright.
放马过来 Bring it! Bring it on! -
别这样 别这样 - Don't do this! Don t do this!
安布罗斯 帕克 Ambrose! Parker!
不是他们的错 是个诅咒 血海深仇 It's not their fault! It' s a curse a blood feud.
听我说 Listen! Listen!
100年前 这里全是农田 Back a 100 years ago, this was all farmland.
产权界线正好就在同一位置 Property line in the exact same place.
帕克养了牛 Parker had cows.
安布罗斯种高梁 大家相处的很好 Ambrose grew sorghum. Everybody got along.
有天 帕克家一头牛钻进了安布罗斯家的庄稼地 One day one of Parker s cows got into Ambrose’ s crops.
安布罗斯把他捆起来 Ambrose tied him up
打算傍晚去把他送回去 intending to return him by nightfall,
但他忙起来就把这事忘了 but things got busy and he forgot.
帕克看到安布罗斯抓了他一头牛 Well, Parker saw that Ambrose had one of his cowS
也很生气 and got mad as hell.
俩人发生了冲突 但家里人把他们分开了 The two men came to blows but the families split' em up
第二天派儿子们去建道篱笆 and sent the sons out the next day to build a fence.
这些孩子都容易上头 These were hotheaded farm boys
就开始打架 and they started fighting.
开始是吵架 后来动了刀 First with words, then with knives.
铲子 斧头 Shovels. Axes.
演变成了屠杀 It turned into a slaughter.
人们说血流进了柱孔里 They say the blood ran into the postholes.
从那天起 From that day on...
这道篱笆两边的家庭 families on either side of that fence.
都会相互憎恨 hated each other.
准备好了吗 Ready?
菲力 Yo. Philly.
你怎么来了 What are you doing here?
今早 我旅店房间里的时钟收音机 The clock radio in my hotel room
放了首犹大圣徒乐队的歌 woke me up this morning
把我吵醒了 and was playing a Judas Priest song.
我就想到你了 And I thought of you.
我不知道 You know, I m not sure
对此我该有什么感想 艾比 how I m supposed to feel about that, Abs.
我这才意识到 - I realized
你对教会的感受 how you must have felt about the church.
土地的事不管你怎么决定 Whatever you decide about the land thing, just...
就 把文件发我吧 我来处理 send me the paperwork and I Il deal with it.
不处理也行 Or not.
好吧 就是这样 Okay. That’s it.
跟伊森说 Tell Ethan that
圣餐即便洒出来了 耶稣也不会介意的 Jesus doesn’t mind when you spill his body,
但如果你把圣酒洒出来了 but if you spill his blood,
过氧化氢和洗洁精 mix three parts hydrogen peroxide
三比一混合 就能洗掉污渍了 to one part dish soap. It gets the stains right out.
你是个好舅舅 You are a good uncle.
你变成我第二喜欢的弟弟了 Second favorite brother.
卢克 太完美了 Luke! It’ s perfect.
塔里克说现在篱笆拆了 Tarik was just saying now that the fence is gone,
这样就能种一溜喜欢阳光的木槿花了 we can have full- sun hibiscus running all the way down.
-我很高兴能跟人聊植物 米娜是没希望了 -罗恩也一样 - I' m so glad to talk plants with someone. Mina' s hopeless.
白忙活一场 What a tragic waste of time.
马西刚跟我说他们不打算卖房了 The Masseys just told me they' re no longer selling.
嗯 哈桑家也不卖了 Yeah, the Hasans feel the same way.
可怜的阿尔文 他差一点就跳进了永恒然后 Poor Alvin. He nearly bounced into eternity and.
白死了 died in vain. - Hm.
好奇问一句 Just out of curiosity,
你觉得我们死后会发生什么 what do you think happens when we die?
不知道 - I have no idea.
但可能会影响到你的信用评分 But it probably affects your credit scores.
不行 绝对不行 - No? Hell, no?
不是 No.
绝对给 Hell, yes.
我把文件给签了 I signed the damn papers over.
我们祖先的土地会变成一所度假圣经学校 Our ancestral land is going to be a vacation bible school,
或者一个教皇专车停车场 or a...popemobile parking lot,
或者一个训练耶稣会士在八角场搏斗的地方 or a place where they train Jesuits to fight in the octagon.
最好能从梵蒂冈那收到个漂亮的果篮 Better get a nice fruit basket from the Vatican.
亲爱的 Oh, honey.
就是不值得为这事干仗 Just wasn' t worth the fight, you know?
你是个好人 - You’ re a good person.
不算是 Mm. Not really.
但谢谢了 But thank you.
领养那边有消息吗 Oh, any word from the adoption people?
你要知道 You gotta know,
尽管你很想要这个孩子 我也想 我们都想 as much as you want this baby- - and I do, too, we both do,
别误会啊 don't get me wrong- -
不要觉得有孩子才是一个完整的家 please don' t feel like we need a baby to be a family.
是 我知道 只是 Yeah, I know. I- it’ s just- -
你和我 You and I...
我们比大多数家庭都强 we're a better family than most people will ever find.
来 Come here.
我们可以随时养个狗子 We can always get a dog.
-晚安 佐伊 -晚安 奥吉 Good night, Zooey. - Good night, Augie.
奥古斯特之前说的 是真的吗 What August said earlier is it true?
是 Yes.
我鼻子里的金属环确实挺多余 The metal in my nose is unnecessary.
另一件事 The other thing.
半途而废 About quitting?
不做经纪人 Not being an agent?
我 I
我讨厌你这份工 I hate your job.
所有 AlI of it!
跟自以为聪明的蠢人争论 The arguments with stupid people who think they' re smart.
丽塔·韦斯是我最好的朋友 Rita Weiss being my best friend.
所有一切 the whole thing.
可你很擅长啊 - But you're good at it.
是 我还擅长唱K呢 Yeah, well, I’ m good at karaoke, too!
不代表我想以此为生 Doesn't mean I want to do it for a living.
是这样 我 Look, I
我不知道我喜欢什么 I don't know what my thing is.
也许我永远都找不到喜欢的事 Maybe I' Il never find my thing,
但我非常肯定这件事 but I am absolutely sure that this thing
我不喜欢 is not my thing.
真的很抱歉 I' m really sorry.
你没有 苏珊的消息吧 You haven't heard from, uh...Susan?
嗨 这里是苏珊·爱尔兰 - Hi! You’ ve reached Susan Ireland.
我现在正在休假 I'm on a bit of a sabbatical right now,
所以如果你需要即时帮助 so if you need immediate assistance,
请按1 不是的话 请留言 press one. Otherwise, leave me a message
然后放轻松 随机决定下一步吧 and roll the dice! Drink the wine!
因为生命就是一个谜 Because life is a mystery
太阳不过是一颗晨星 and the sun is only a morning star!
该死 苏珊 你想让我说什么 - Damn it, Susan. What do you want me to say?
对不起 I' m sorry.
很抱歉我如此轻易的 I' m sorry that you made it so easy
嘲笑你那个流程 嘲笑你的彩色别针 to laugh at your process, at your color- coded paperclips.
很抱歉你做的如此得心应手 I am sorry that you did it so effortlessly
以至于我都忘记了你实际上有多优秀 that I forgot how good you really are.
很抱歉这里没有你的时候 I' m sorry that this place just doesn' t seem to run
运转的并不怎么好 as good without you.
还有 最重要的是 很抱歉我是对着这个文件柜 And, most of all, I am sorry that I am saying it
而不是当着你的面说的这些话 to this credenza instead of your face.